What You Can Learn About Onboarding From Santa’s Workshop

Twas a few nights before Christmas, and I was sleeping soundly in my bed. Last minute visions of gifts to purchase, and finalizing year-end financials danced in my head. It was quite the odd dream that started playing as I was whisked away, suddenly appearing in the North Pole, I arrived in Santa’s sleigh. I’m just writing here, and I must confess, I had no intention of rhyming this far…now I’m stressed.

It was a jolly scene with elves runnin round, you wouldn’t believe all the commotion, the bluster, the sound. Word on the street was that Santa was hiring, but there was a major skills gap, and everyone was perspiring. Time was of the essence, he needed to find some help quick. There were lots of candidates, but few who had the talent to join Team St. Nick.

The guide took my hand and led me to HR, this dream was getting weird, this was going too far. As I walked in the office through the candy cane door, I was stunned to find robots…intelligent bots galore! Santa’s head elves were interviewing potential new hires, asking “Do you like hot chocolate?”, and “Are you good with tinsel pliers?” Quickly they asked, and got straight to the point, they had their system down, and they were rockin the joint.

When an elf was approved Checkbot came around, and it would run drug tests, and check the elf’s background. Santa knows better than most about labor laws, so he’s demanded compliance, fearing fines, and the wrath of Mrs. Clause. As backgrounds were cleared and elves set to begin, that’s when the other robots moved in. On Flowbot, on Chatbot, on Imagebot too, they all worked together, they had learned what to do. Everifybot assured that I-9s were in line, while Hrmsbot gathered data, keeping it synchronized over time.

All of this time, the head elves did their thing, while the bots maintained compliance through the entire onboarding fling. They proudly told me that engagement is strong and retention is high, and after seeing all of this…I can see why! Productivity is essential to make it in the workshop, so they provide leadership, training, and even free gumdrops.

Now we’ve all heard about the culture of Google, but what Santa’s built up there makes that look like…googily moogle. I don’t even know what that is, but I know that it rhymes, and suddenly I wake up, just in time. I grab my coffee and jump in my Ford, and I think for Christmas I’d like some intelligent bots to help me onboard.

With a nod to my friends at Essium I take a ride, on their customizable onboarding platform simply known as Xenqu. And you’ll hear me exclaim as I drive out of site, Happy Onboarding to all, and to all, a good flight.